December 16

Being Obedient in a Traditional Marriage – the Downside

You’ve agreed that he should and will lead your family, and you’ve agreed that you will follow.  No matter what.  So what happens when you find yourself following him where you don’t want to go?  Disagreements happen.  Differences of opinion happen.  But you’ve given him the final say, the final word.  So now what?  Being obedient in a traditional marriage — the downside.

Of all the things I hear the most from ladies who disagree with the idea of an old-fashioned, traditional marriage, this is the thing I hear the most.   “What about when you don’t want what he wants?  What then?”  It’s a great question.  In order to answer it I first have to point out that there are degrees of separation here.   Let’s talk first about those every day occurrences that don’t really amount to much.

For example, when he says it’s time to leave a party and you want to stay.  It’s not a life altering decision, and on first glance it might even appear that he is being a bit of a bully by telling you to get your coat and say your goodbyes.  Those watching can clearly see the look of defiance in your eyes as you struggle between compliance and the urge to argue.   What do you do?

You get your coat.  And say goodbye.

Easy? No.  But you agreed long ago that he is responsible for keeping your family safe and on track, and even when you don’t feel like it you have to let him do that.  Maybe he thinks you (or he) is bordering on having too much to drink and needs to get out of there.   Maybe he thinks he will be too tired to drive safely if you wait much longer.   Maybe he has been sensing the undertones of a brawl about to break out in the room and he needs to remove his family from the environment.   Maybe someone ticked him off and he doesn’t want to stay and make a scene.  Maybe the shrimp he ate an hour ago didn’t sit well.  Who knows what’s going on.  You just need to trust that there is something and he’s doing his job.  Period.

Not always pleasant. I know.  I hate to leave a good party.  (Mr. C will attest to that.)

Those every day occurrences are annoying but relatively easy to navigate with a little practice.  But what about the bigger picture decisions that you disagree with?   What if he announces that you are moving cross country?  That he is quitting his job to open his own business?  That his mother is moving in? (Dear Lawd, not that!)  What about then?

I love when I get this question from horrified feminist-leaning friends because I get to tell them that we have a contract for that.  They gasp.  Yeah.   Most of that type of thing will have already been worked out ahead of time in our Marriage Agreement.  You can’t agree to follow someone wherever they decide it’s best to take you without at least first agreeing to some kind of generalized road map charting the territory in which you are willing to go.  It’s key.  If you do not already have a marriage agreement in place, you should.   I highly recommend you do one asap.  A short simple one will do.  You can be as thorough or as generalized as you want. Just do one.

When completed, you would have already figured out a plan for all of the contingencies associated with all major life decisions, and if he is suddenly diverting from the plan you simply need to remind him that if he has changed his mind then you both need to discuss and negotiate changes to your prior agreement before he can simply uproot the family or dramatically change anything.   You do not have to blindly follow.  You get input.

Can he negotiate changes? Yes.  But it requires a nice sit down discussion.   You both get to lay out the reasons for wanting to make a change or keep things as they are.   You both get to state your case.   He must listen to you.  He must agree to take the entire family’s care and happiness into consideration before making any final decision.  And then, you must put it in his hands.  If you agreed to trust him to lead, you must let him lead.

Impossibly difficult to do sometimes.  Yes.  But not often, and almost never.  Most often he will decide something that is palatable for all parties.  He’s not a villain.  He’s not your enemy.  Presumably he loves you and his family and wants you all to be happy?   Yes?   That’s what you have to keep reminding yourself as he is making his decision.   If he comes back with something that you find hard to swallow, you will at least know that he had all the information and struggled with it and he knows he is taking the full responsibility for it on his shoulders.  He knows you disagree with him and that if it fails, it fails entirely on his conscience.  He carries the weight of that already.   Therefore, you need not remind him of it.

Try not to sulk.  For long.  Resist the urge to give the cold shoulder.  For long.  Pouting is allowed.  For a while.  It’s even permissible to say “Okay?” in a somewhat doubtful tone, once you can speak without saying bad words.   It’s okay for him to know you aren’t thrilled.  As long as he can see that despite that, you will follow.  You will support him in the journey.  You will have his back.

Are there exceptions to this rule?  Of course.  Safety of your children.  Your safety.   Drug or alcohol addictions.  Physical abuse.  If Screen Shot 2014-07-01 at 12.46.11 PMany of those things come into play (or anything like them), this whole plan goes out the window, of course.   We are not brainless wives.  We are committed wives.   Use your head.   But if you are simply in disagreement because you are scared, find your brave girl pants and put them on.   You’re about to go on an adventure.

Mr. C has brought me on a few of those that were, admittedly, a bit terrifying.   They all worked out very well.  He followed his instincts, and they were right.
I have brought him on a few that were terrifying as well, actually, with a less stellar track record for turning out well.  It’s called living.   Don’t be afraid to try it.   Remember, like a muscle, your marriage can only grow stronger when pressure is applied.


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Posted December 16, 2016 by The50sHousewife in category "Love and Marriage that lasts

11 COMMENTS :

  1. By lynn on

    This has taken me some time. See, my mom always told me “you don’t need a man for anything. You want a man, you don’t NEED one.” As far as I’ve noticed, if men don’t feel needed they don’t feel appreciated. If the man and woman are both cleaning, cooking, working…who is responsible for what? The feminist movements blurred the lines of gender so much that young adults these days have no idea how to act. Once women gained equal rights and segregation ended, feminism should have gone away. It is just ridiculous now. My husband and I have talked about this a lot and honestly I am proud to say that I have a husband who is man enough to lead his family and be a great father. I do not question his judgement. I may ask why or what is on his mind but I never tell him he is wrong. The man is a Marine. He knows a thing or two about protecting loved ones and leading. 🙂

    Reply
    1. By Jamila on

      Lynn, you are so right on. I grew up being handed the same misguided information and as a result had quite a few unsuccessful relationships thinking “I don’t need this”… After a few years of soul searching my views on relationships and marriage changed…realizing gender roles in a marriage are in place for a reason. For me, what I had learned came together when I married my husband. It was hard to admit initially, but I eventually became okay with the idea that I DO NEED him. Not in a way that takes away my freedom or sense of self, but he instinctively provides in a way that I can’t and vise versa. I still have moments of resistance but he knows I’m working on it. My husband is an Army Vet, so like your husband he knows a thing or five more than I do about being a protector! And I trust him to do right by his family with the best of intentions regardless of decisions working out as planned or not.

      Reply
    2. By Alyssa McCord on

      Mine is too! In our marriage agreement it says he will stay active duty as long as the Marine Corps allows him to. haha!

      Reply
  2. By Dianne on

    I think feminism doesnt have a thing to do with it. Feminism is about having equal right, equal salaries, equal opportunities. Some girls might want to lead the family themselves, and some just want to have someone to care for them.
    I choosed to be with my hubby because he was 10+ years older than me. He is a tender, loving experienced man that more than just a husband is a spiritual guide. Always supporting me to be the best part of myself 🙂

    Reply
  3. By Alex Stepford on

    I definitely had those questions too, ever since I was young, since my grandmother would always advice me to follow my husband when I get married someday.
    I felt like I could never truly grasp it, since wouldn’t there be risks for me as the obedient one?
    Now you clarify that there are measures in place, even a contract to lay it all on the table, it makes sense!
    When I do get married I will go right back to this page and print it out.

    Reply
  4. By Lauren on

    My husband is head of the household and it works out great. After 10 years of marriage he still makes wise decisions for us all. I don’t always agree and sometimes I get mad even sad, but having some faith in the man who loves me and our son has not let me down.

    Reply

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