Are Women the Biggest Cause of Divorce?

Are women the biggest cause of divorce?  Well that’s what Laura Doyle, international best-selling author or The Surrendered Wife, says in her new book.  That’s right, ladies.  Laura says that 95% of your happiness lies within you.  You have the power to fix almost all of what woes you in your distressed marital union.   She came to this conclusion after a failed attempt at marriage counseling to repair her own troubled marriage, and she details how she finally saved her happy home in her autobiography entitled First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors.FirstKillAlltheMarriageCounselors_FrontCover

I recently had the opportunity to review this new book, and as you can imagine if you’ve read any of my blog posts in the past, I wholeheartedly agree with most of what Laura has to say.

When I first read The Surrendered Wife I recall thinking that it was a good start.  For women who aren’t accustomed to thinking like a traditional wife, The Surrendered Wife was a good introduction on how to get your feet wet with submitting to your husband without feeling like you’ve completely thrown equality out the window.  I liked it, and I recommended it on our Facebook page.   Now Laura builds on that base with First, Kill All The Marriage Counselors.  

Laura echoes my thoughts when she speaks of her three basic truths of any relationship.  She says:

  • “The happiness of your relationship is up to you! Women hold the keys to a happy relationship 95 percent of the time (and will learn what to do the other 5 percent).”
  • “What men want most of all is to be treated with respect. Treat your man with respect (even if you aren’t feeling it), and he will treat you with love and care.”
  • “Your man wants to know he has your trust. Give it to him, and he’ll realize you are special . . . because you will be!”

The second two points we have reviewed time and time again here at the Modern Day 50’s Housewife, and Laura does a wonderful job of reviewing and building upon those, but we haven’t talked too much here about that all-important first point she speaks of–self care.   This topic is hot right now, and it’s about time!  Being sure that momma is happy is key to a happy home.

Simply put, doing something to help yourself maintain your own identity keeps the woman alive who your husband first fell in love with.  It also helps you remember that you are more than wife and mom, and that makes for a more fulfilling life, leading to a happier wife.  What’s not to love?

Laura gives some great ideas on how to help get yourself there.   And while I don’t always agree with some of her examples, the overall message is solid.  Take care of you.   It’s just like they say on every airline flight, apply oxygen to yourself first, and then assist your loved ones with getting theirs.  But that’s not all.

Also in her new book, you’ll learn Laura’s “Six Intimacy Skills,” which have been used by over 50,000 women who have turned their previously unhappy marriages into blissful unions. Laura says, “Stop reading articles about how important it is to schedule date night and learn how to transform your relationship into one bursting with energy, intimacy, and love. First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors will put you on the path to having the marriage you want with the man you love.”

You don’t want to miss it.  SO!  How can you get your copy?  Well… you could order it here.  GetCherishedOR you could win one for free.  How?  It’s super simple.  Go to our Facebook page, LIKE out page, then find this #GETCHERISHED picture, then all you need to do is to simply comment below it stating your favorite way to give yourself a little TLC.  How do you do self care?

For me, it’s a quiet cup of tea.  Or a trip to the bookstore.  Or a bit of gardening.  Or a long, hot shower.  Or my absolute favorite–doing my art.   Tell us how you do it.  Then on Friday morning–January 22, 2016–we’ll pick a winner who will get one free copy of Fist, Kill All the Marriage Counselors sent right to their door, direct from Laura herself.  Will it be you?


  1. I am surprised to see no one has commented on this yet. I will be the first to admit that in my opinion, I do believe women initiate divorce far more than men do. I think the reasons vary, however, I think an important point that should not be omitted is that men, regardless of whether they are treated with respect by their wives (or children), have an obligation to behave in a way that is respectable, instead of demanding respect and continuing to act in a way others would deem not worthy of it. That being said, I myself am guilty of saying and threatening divorce in heated arguments, and also acting immature when I should be an example to him. I have heard of stories and experiences where women decided to “take charge” of their marriage, and basically put themselves in the position of controlling the relationship. While I don’t agree with this behavior, I have found myself doing this, and find myself asking God to keep me from doing this.

    Also, regarding self-care: I have noticed in the past 20 years, a dramatic decline in the way women dress and present themselves to the world around them, including their husbands. I myself am guilty of “frumpiness” and not caring how I look to him. I want to be careful in how I address this, because I feel the need to have compassion on some women in their “frumpy season.” While others flagrantly decide to not care and dress in ill-fitted clothes (too tight or too loose), or wear what I call super-casual clothing (sweatshirts/sweatpants when not exercising, or leggings as suitable pants, graphic tees or flip flops in winter, etc etc), some women may wear such clothing because they are depressed or suffer from other mental illnesses that affect your mood. I have personal experience with this, so I don’t want to judge them. Having young children to care for everyday, and being sick, especially long-term, can play a role in your self confidence (due to the stay-at-home mindset that ensues), and I know when I feel terrible, I don’t feel like dressing appropriately all the time. I will say, to give credit to what you said, that when I do feel emotionally or physically bad, showering, grooming, dressing in a casual/dressy-casual manner (referencing the Post book on modern etiquette here on appropriate dress, not my own opinion on how to dress casual), and putting on makeup makes me feel much better, even if I’m not going anywhere (I’m a housewife, so I don’t go anywhere most days anyway).

    My favorite mode of self-care usually involves painting my own nails, but I think by far, getting a massage — and having insurance call it physical therapy, and thus getting it paid for by them –is my definite all-time favorite way to take care of myself.

    Thank you for writing about all of this. It is a sensitive subject, but I am thankful you are brave enough to talk about it. 🙂

  2. Hi. I just found your site yesterday and I am so happy that I did. I have read a few posts and agree with your opinions. I was teaching a few years ago, but am now a housewife. A lot of my co-workers did not understand and thought it was odd that my Husband was a big part of my focus. It’s nice to see there are others out there who feel the way I do. I am excited about reading more. I noticed that your posts can be spaced apart a ways. I hope to see more frequent posts. I will check often. Oh. I don’t use Facebook. Is there a way to enter this contest? Thanks for providing great content. I look forward to reading more of your blog! Thanks for putting this information out there! I like to read when I take time out for myself. I have recently been listening to books while I clean the house. I’m loving this. Take care!

  3. I quit my daycare director job this last March (after 14+ years), and am retired US Navy as well. So going from full time career to full time homekeeper was, and still is, a big adjustment. Luckily I have my husband’s full support. I am trying hard to be a good helpmeet to him, taking care of him and our household. I get up every day and shower, get dressed, etc., so he doesn’t think I just laze around all day. I am learning to get over my own misguided feelings about feminism and equality – I have discovered true partnership. Just because he makes the money doesn’t mean he is more important, or that I am “less than”. It has made a huge difference since we both acknowledged that. We are a team. He brings home the bacon and I fry it up in the pan. Me taking care of him, ironing his shirts and feeding him good helps him to do a better job at work, resulting in promotions. When he benefits, I benefit. The lessening of stress in our household has been the number one reason for improvement in a marriage that has been on the brink of divorce more than once. And I am the hard headed one who thought divorce would be the answer. Too bad it took 23 years of marriage to figure it out!!

  4. I felt like I didn’t really address the issue of divorce, and I decided to come back and mention something. I have threatened, especially in the past year, to separate from my husband, and it is largely because, I don’t enjoy bearing the burden of his problems, some of which are self-inflicted (ie, drinking issues, etc), especially when I have TONS of personal, long-standing problems of my own. I feel I need to say this, because I don’t want anyone out there to have the impression, that just because a housewife decides she is ready to submit to her husband, and to try diligently to show respect, that it will always come out looking rosy in the end. Sometimes, no matter how hard a housewife tries, her husband will never be the ideal man she had intended to marry. I married as a Christian, intent on doing everything the textbook way, and for me, the textbooks included not just the Bible, but self-help books directed towards mending marriages. Some things in marriage are meant to be broken, not because of it necessarily being anyone’s fault (though sometimes it is), but also because God has something else in mind, and is seeing the “bigger picture.” Some marriages are next-to-ideal from start to finish, and others are fraught with problem after problem….ours started off fairly well, then became increasingly difficult with each child that came into the world. For me, divorce is definitely the last straw, but for me, there are some days where I just can’t take anymore of anything, much less any “trouble” from him, and I just want to escape. I know it is wrong of me to want to escape the marriage from time to time, but often I feel like every option has been exhausted and I’m tired of giving and not receiving. I hope all of this makes sense. Our marriage desperately needs an overhaul, which is why I would love to get this book…the idea of respecting your husband and taking care of yourself to be attractive to him is something my old church covered quite well, but I could definitely use a refresher course. Thanks again for talking about women and divorce. It is a topic very relevant to my life and past experiences. 🙂

  5. @Elizabeth – I can totally relate to your situation. My husband is a recovering alcoholic – 91/2 years sober. Believe me – it has been a long, hard struggle over the years! Like you, I had (and have) my own issues to deal with. Somewhere along the way, in the early years, I just learned to take care of myself and my kids (twins – grown up now), and let him deal with his own demons. I know I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. I can only give Glory to God for waking him up and our lives turning around for the better. Things aren’t perfect, but at this time in my life, there is no other person I would want to team up with. And that is definitely something I never thought I would say! Good luck to you – I would hug you if I could 🙂

  6. I’m so glad you introduced me to this author. I started learning so much! I tried a couple of things and saw instant results! I couldn’t believe it! Can you do more marriage posts and a self care post?

  7. I think that women have a big power to save a marriage : take care an respect her husband. With tons of patience. My marriage hasn’t been easy. I met my husband and we get married in few months. Then I discover his fear, a big fear to women. His mother allways worked full time. But she doesn’t like to work in home.His father worked full time too, and make laundry, food, go for groceries. . . and a servant clean the house. My husband raised in the Kinder and with servant. But the worst is that my mother-in-law said all day that her husband can’t do anything well, she laugh of him, she complains of everywork he do. While, she is in the armchair reading or watching Tv. They argue often, and more when my husband was a child. So he is afraid. He don’t want to live like his father. He was afraid of me, and today, eigth years after, he is a bit afraid yet. I think he allways will be a bit afraid. But now he feels better, and all is more easy. He knows that I’m all day taking care of him and our children, and he is happy, but any word, or another thing can remember him his fear and he get nervious. Patience and time are my weapons. Now I know that he married with me because I’m an oldfashioned woman, but at the same time he fears that I wasn’t. Today he said to me that he can’t imagine a life better that ours, that is perfect the way we live. This is a treasure for me. It hasn’t been easy to get these.

  8. About take care of me, it is a more bit complicated. I’m allways clean, and I use make-up (a natural style) everyday. But the clothes are a poblem in my house. I am modesty, but my husband is very jelousy. He don’t like dresses, necklaces, the white color… He began to said me how to wear clothes when we married, not before. It was difficult to me. Now is more simple, I don’t think on clothes. Nobody can thief you what you don’t desire. Now I know he can’t control that. I’m not angry with him. I try to wear what he likes. He likes casual clothes and pyjamas on home, so that is what I wear. Simple.

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