How to Build a Father–Step by Step (Part One of the Fatherhood Series)

If you want a man to be a great father, you have to give him the time, the tools, and the title that he needs in order to succeed.   It’s that simple.Page_1  How to Build a Father–Step by Step.

Men are not complicated creatures.   If they’ve had an opportunity to grow and mature into men, the rest is pretty simple.   Give him a mission and some space to work out his own way to accomplish the mission, and he’ll get it done.   Fatherhood is no different for him.
Give him the title:  Dad.  Pop.  Father, or whatever other title you decide.   Give him his mission: Raise happy, healthy, well-rounded, disciplined children.  And give him some space to figure out how to get that done.  Then stand back.  And, most importantly, resist all urges to meddle with his methodology.  Let him decide how best to be a father.  Let him decide how he will interact with, guide, and discipline his children.  Do not try to alter his methods.

I’ll bet those last few lines made your stomach lurch, didn’t they?   Well it’s true.  I think what makes poor fathers is meddlesome mothers.  I think what makes aloof fathers is nagging mothers.   And I think what makes absent fathers is wives and mothers who drive those men away.

Now before you get your tail in a twist, I acknowledge that there are bad seeds in every bunch.  Some men are just not cut out to be husbands and fathers from the start (just as some women shouldn’t be wives or mothers).   Some simply don’t want to be there.   I’m not talking about those.  I’m talking about the men who set out to be amazing husbands and fathers and put their all into the job just to have their wives and sometimes even the children demoralize them and beat them down until they throw their hands up in frustration and quit trying.


There was a time when dad’s rules ruled.   I believe we need to get back to that.  Here’s why.

If you want your man to provide for your family and lead your family …
If you want your man to commit to your family …
If you want  your man to put his family before his very own life . . .

then you have to agree to be lead by him.
You have to agree to commit to him.
You have to know and understand in your bones that to him, you all come before everything else.
You have to trust him.

And if you do that–truly honor him, respect him and trust him– he’ll give it everything he’s got.  The man will die fulfilling his commitments to you.

If you second guess him, correct him, belittle him, reverse his decisions, sneak behind him, make his children question him, nag him, laugh at him, or ignore him, he will not know where he fits in to your home life, so he will steadily remove himself from it.

That’s how most men’s brains operate.  Yes, there are exceptions, but the vast majority of men need to know where they fit into the family dynamic in order to take their role seriously.  And once they know where they fit in, and once they know that you have placed full confidence in them to get the job done, they will move mountains for you.

As part of our fatherhood series, we are going to talk all about how to create a plan for parenting that you can both live by that will strengthen your bond as husband and wife as you grow as a mom and dad.    But it all starts right here.   Today.  Ask yourself these questions:

Do you want a strong father figure in the lives of your children?  Or do you want to make all the decisions and do all the work of raising the children alone?

Do you want a father figure who is mentally and physically available to your kids?  Or do you want a man only on the periphery, merely providing a paycheck to help with financial support?

Do you want a parenting partner?  Someone to help with frustrations? Someone to offer ideas and support?  Or do you want to navigate the waters of parenting alone without anyone meddling in your decisions–be they right or wrong, good or bad.

Lastly, what are your biggest fears as a parent?

Think about those, and then move on to Part Two.

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  1. I’m excited to see what you have to say on this topic. I hope you can talk some about how we can correct this problem if we’ve made some of these mistakes. I’m guilty of venting to my two daughters about some of the things their Father does. I realize now it’s wrong and I want them to have a healthy opinion of their Father and to know what to look for in a husband. I quit venting to them a while back but have noticed they still vent about him to me. (They are 17 and 21, btw) How do I repair the damage?

  2. I’m a seventeen year-old girl who stumbled upon this site via Pinterest yesterday. I’ve shared it with one of my closest friends already, and we are looking here for guidance on our future homes and families. We are both Christian girls getting ready to graduate high school in a suburban area where it’s not unusual to see a little boy demanding something from his mom, her yelling back at him, then him crying to daddy, and daddy telling him to just go away. Actually, my own little brother (13) is treated that same way in our house. My mom is the type you talked about in this article, where she constantly takes over and won’t step back to see things from my dad’s point of view. She calls all of us names and blames me personally for everything bad that happens in her life. I know DEEP, DEEP down that she loves me, but she doesn’t seem to realize that she’s driving everyone who loves her away. As soon as I noticed what was happening in my home, I began to intercede and “translate” what my dad says into something my mom understands, and vice versa. I very much don’t want this to happen in my household and with my husband and children. I know how crazy the world makes us, and if we can’t find sanctuary in our own homes, where else can we go for it? Nobody loves you like your family, but it takes patience and kindness to actually show that you love them. I want the kind of relationship where each person knows — KNOWS — that the others love him/her. I think that’s key. You can’t honor and respect and obey and lead well without love, at least that’s what I think. Will you be covering this in the Fathers series? (My friend and I already have this wonderful blog bookmarked, regardless)

    • Oh Kimberly! Welcome. I am glad you found us. Please know that I intend to cover every possible angle of Fatherhood that I can think of. I’m on a mission to do everything I can to get this world back to good old-fashioned family values. If at any time you have further questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’m here for you.

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  1. How to Build a Father, Step-by-Step (Part Two)

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